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The Moon
The moon is the 51st state of America. It was claimed for America by the space conquistador/explorer Buzz "Edward Eugene" Aldrin and his lesser-known cohort Neil "Stretch" Armstrong. Original Moon Natives The primeval inhabitants of the moon were little green cheese eaters, much like the French. When Aldrin and Armstrong first landed on the moon with their 100% pure American Space Vehicle, the simple moon people began to worship them as gods. Armstrong and Aldrin, true American heroes, dubbed these lifeforms "The Space Races." Early Moon Life In the beginning, life was hard. The astronauts knew nothing about growing crops in the arid moon soil, and the ass-cold, perennial, winter-like season made their teeth all chattery. A kind-hearted but godless heathen (and very uneducated) moon creature taught them how to grow maize by planting space fish along with the seeds. Aldrin quickly hung the creature for treason and as a lesson to all the other inferior moon beings. His famous and heart-lifting quote still lives with us today: And all the astronauts laughed and laughed as the moon creature choked its last maize-eating breath. And then there was a great feast. Americans began to come in droves to settle the new state, but there was one small problem...the current residents. Armstrong came up with an ingenious plan to open up the prime real estate being currently occupied by the subhuman bipeds known as moon "people". Armstrong's idea was thus: pass out free blankets infected with smallpox. Long story short: Problem Solved! And there was a great feast in which they ate all sorts of American foods like: Bar-B-Q, Fried Moon pies (which actually come from the moon, but have been adopted as true American cuisine), Fried Ice Cream, Twice Fried Twinkies, Diet Coke, South Beach lard, McDonalds, Atkins bacon, ranch dressing, ketchup (and lesser condiments) and other homegrown delicious all-American foods. And from this feast came the 9th most American holiday (after x-mas, Boxing day, Arbor Day, February, Easter, Groundhog Day, Justin Timberlake Day, & DWI Day KKK Took My Baby Away Day). With the extermination of the verminous moon people ReMax was free to begin selling suburban moon property for a hefty profit, as any good corporation should, and the early moon American pioneers drove their Hummers to a new and better life in our gorgeous 51st state. In the beginning life was hard for the early pioneers. The only store to shop at was Old Navy. Unfortunately there was no Wal-mart for those early troopers, but somehow they persevered. They also only had Dairy Queen. And even today the poor settlers of our 51st state do not have a Taco Bell. Life was hard on the frontier. As the days went by the moon was hurting economically until they made several discoveries that put the GDP of our 51st state in the top 89th percentile of all American production. Early Moon discoveries In the early days of His Royal Highness George W. Bush oil was discovered under the crusty moon surface. After the settlers had scraped away the coating layer of cheese, to make America's largest pizza (now viewable at the Smithsonian Institute), the pioneers discovered a crusty layer of flaky bready goodness. And below that, there was oil. Not petroleum based oil, but vegetable oil. Scientists theorize (and the Bible confirms), that the moon was actually a huge deep fryer, where the early American pioneers would make giant foods. It was especially used by Paul Bunyan, one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence. With this abundance of vegetable (corn) oil our 51st state began a lucrative trade business with Kentucky and developed many competitive eating based hobbies/sports. It was discovered early on that the moon had 1/6th the gravity that America has. Gravity, which is an American invention, was transferred to our 51st state to a lesser extent by the baby Jesus. With this lessening of gravity the residents of our 51st state (home of the fighting Platypuses) were blessed with the ability to eat 16-1/9th more pizzas than terrestrial Americans (because food from America weighs the same on the moon as it does on Earth, simply because it has been blessed by his holiness George W. Bush) Later Moon Discoveries Football was found on the Moon in the early Colbertian Age. It was first discovered in its lesser form, six man football, but through the genius of George W. Bush was transported to America and transformed into the 56 player game that it is today. Other great discoveries include: * Moon rocks - now viewable at the Smithsonian Institute. * Arrowheads from the ancient and noble moon people. * Mars bars - ironically enough, they actually do originate on the Moon. It is a common misconception to think they come from Mars. It is the same mistake people make when they think Freedom Fries come from France (which they don't). * Pink Floyd - unearthed on the dark side of the moon. The 21st Century Moon As you can see by these photos the moon has come a long way since the early pioneers. Everything is much more America like now. The kids can run and play in the street without fear of attack by moon creatures, but there is always the danger of terrorism. We must be ever vigilant, even in our 51st state. Remember, the way to fight terrorism is by eating out and going to the mall. There is nothing that scares a terrorist more than consumerism. Buying is like kryptonite to those guys. Settlers of our 51st now how all sorts of luxuries, but still their battle for equality rages on. Even states such as Hawaii and Alaska look down on the Moon. They are currently fighting for a new amendment to the Constitution that restructures Congressional representation. The Moon-Americans believe that representation should be based on the size of the state. They also believe that Senate representation should be inversely related to the amount of Gravity a state possesses. This current bill is stuck in committee for the time being. The Moon and Fast Food With the growth of our 51st state, fast food has really helped keep the nutrition level high for the rugged moon pioneers. America offers its highest salute to McDonalds. It is rumored that McDonalds will be the first corporation to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Interesting Moon Facts * The National Sport is Competitive Eating. * Schools on the Moon offer "mooning" as a degree option. * The Moon is tethered to America via the World Wide Web (which connects to the internets). Military Movements Currently, the only military activity on the moon is that of the Council of Doom and their ninja pandas. They have a highly advanced training facility on the far side of the moon. Where the power for this facility comes from nobody knows, but they are building a space port for deep space travel on the mountain just outside of the facility. Rumors that have spread around include a new technology that allows them to walk in space without the need for oxygen. The ninja pandas are the most advanced and organized army ever, with 5 pandas able to take over all of Australia with little to no resistance. Plans to take over Earth are still in the beginning stages, but there are talks. When the space port is complete in 2015, the average travel time to Pluto will be 3 weeks. Using a plasma-powered cannon, the port launches the ship at Warp 5, or 5 times faster than the speed of light. Truly, this is a very amazing time for our planet and our moon. Troops are not all that is going on up at the moon. Something called a molecular-splitting cannon is being placed on the near side of the moon. This means that the Council now has the option of frying anyone on Earth that they want to. Once they take over the satellites around our once peaceful planet, they will plant propaganda commercials that will zombify all of China and Russia. Once that has happened, all of those citizens will become the labor force of the Council. They will dominate the Earth with their Dorito-enhanced armies and will be untouchable on the moon. The end is near. The Council of Doom: Feel the Wrath of the Council.